I know several times on this site, you’ve read about my various food binges, but I assure you, it’s not commonplace with me.

That being said, last night I had a serious craving for something notably nasty. I got in my car and went to the Wing Stop nearby, hoping that middling wings would discipline my hankering. As I got ready to order though, I realized that I didn’t really want wings after all. Now, I couldn’t just sit there and eat wings knowing that they wouldn’t subdue my true desire — pizza.

Where I live, there are a plethora of exceptional hole in the wall pizza places, but I wasn’t really feeling “good” pizza. I wanted something that would hurt me; you know, make me feel alive. As I drove around scouting potential locations, I came across an old friend I hadn’t visited in some time: Little Caesar’s. If you’ve never been to Little Caesar’s, you should know they are bad ass for two reasons. 1) They have large, 1-topping pizzas ready to go for $5. 2) Crazy bread.

I got a large pepperoni and an order of crazy bread for just under $7. That’s a pretty good deal, albeit shitty food.

I wasn’t in the mood to wait until I got home to eat either, so I started in the car. I never really understood why it is acceptable to eat fast food in the car, but pizza is taboo.

When I got home, I had most of the pizza and half of the crazy bread left. I went to the fridge, grabbed a coke, and plopped myself on the couch in front of Pearl Harbor. Over the next 10 minutes, I wolfed down the rest of my food and passed out just before the best part of the movie (the Jap attack).

When I woke — 20 minutes later – I was assuredly dying.

Stumbling over myself, I made my way to the kitchen, and threw open the pantry looking for something to bring me back to life. Finding nothing, I went to the fridge, rummaged through some crap and found a large bag of dried prunes I had bought a while back and forgotten about. Just what the doctor ordered. I figured I’d eat a few of them and hopefully by morning extirpate myself of the mistaken meal.

As it turns out… I ended up eating most of the bag. Prunes are damn good when cold. It then dawned on me that I had eaten far too many prunes and the repercussions of my actions could be have a devastating affect on my GI tract. I was scared shitless (;)).

Sure enough, I woke this morning to an angry rumbling in my belly. I hadn’t felt anything like this since… ever.

Knowing this was going to be an epic dump, I turned on a random playlist on my iTunes to accompany my ordeal. All my fears dissipated as I heard Slim Thug – Thug cut in and encourage some false sense of bravery in myself. Holding on to the wall with one hand, TP dispenser with the other, I prepared for annihilation.

As if igniting a rocket, I expunged myself of all my sins, bad karma, and mistakes. I easily lost 5-6 pounds. I cleaned myself up, took a shower, and vowed to do this to myself (the prune part) at least twice a month.

Currently, I feel more energetic than I have in years. In fact, I’d go so far as to say my vision on life has somewhat improved.

I got the bag of prunes from Sam’s Club. Try them motherfuckers.