I just went through my blog@lifeat160.com email address and counted the “why aren’t you fired” or “you are so full of shit, you would be fired” emails: 67. It’s a fair question/assertion. Over my first 1.2 years as an attorney, I’ve done the following:

1. Forged absolutely every timesheet.
2. Practiced law while intoxicated.
3. Went to rehab to avoid jail-time.
4. Blatantly wrote/blogged on my firm computer.
5. Pissed on my firm issued laptop and gave it back to the IT guys.
6. Discussed sex with every female on my floor.
7. Became black-out drunk at a number of firm events.

1. Forged absolutely every timesheet.

This is major, I’ll admit. Some would even liken it to stealing. It’s not though – in one hour on Westlaw, I can do the same amount of research as another associate could do in four. I’m a gamer. Not only that, I’m a good gamer. I traveled the country as a teenager playing video games, I was one of the best. I have the ability to process information and make decisions at an extremely high rate. Further, as I was primarily a computer gamer, the mouse and keyboard are mere extensions of my being. Is it fair to punish me for my gifts?

If I do the same amount of work as my peers in the same amount of time, is it really stealing? Should I artificially slow myself? Is that really better for the client?

And I know what you are about to say, what about all of your other non-research tasks? What about the dreaded doc review?

I may pad my numbers slightly on my motions and pleadings, but this is another area where I’m significantly faster than most everyone else. I’m not saying I’m a better writer than any other lawyer, just that I’m faster.

And doc review… If the firm fired everyone who lied about reviewing documents, we’d have no more associates. It might even be safe to say that I lie about my doc review hours less than everyone else.

I guess I’m saying that I turn in the same amount of work as everyone else in the same amount of time, therefore I’m not fired. Why the partners who know about my forged sheets haven’t told anyone about it, that’s another story.

2. Practiced law while intoxicated.

Standard. Though these intoxicated attempts never generate the amazing work you anticipate before drinking. Further, is there an ethics rule against this? I’ve never heard of it.

3. Went to rehab to avoid jail-time.

I can’t believe I still drive drunk. I blame the shitty Dallas mass-transit system. The firm let me handle it as a personal matter after I somehow convinced some of the partners that I was the victim of unfortunate circumstances and normally wouldn’t have driven. I’ve become much better at driving by feel.

4. Blatantly wrote/blogged on my firm computer.

If someone came up to you and was like, “yeah I have this blog” – would you read it? I sure as fuck wouldn’t. Nobody wants to talk about my blog, I don’t force anyone to read it.

5. Pissed on my firm issued laptop and gave it back to the IT guys.

In my defense, I was drunk. Not when I pissed on the laptop, when I gave it to the IT guys. I had a brand-new laptop in my office the next day.

6. Discussed sex with every female on my floor.

The only guys who get busted for harassment are fugly. I engage in light flirting/teasing (and occasional sexing), all consensual and all awesome. I could propose to all of the women on my floor tomorrow and bat .650.

7. Become black-out drunk at a number of firm events.

I once became so intoxicated at a firm happy hour that I went to the ground floor of the building and asked a security guard to unlock the loading dock, where I proceeded to roll around on the concrete (ruining a very nice Tom James British suit). I only know about this occurrence because I was there with a date, who watched it all happened (and still fucked me).

But I’m a lawyer. Half the fucking firm drinks too much. As long as a client doesn’t see it, they don’t care about us letting too lose.

8. Conclusion

I think I’m normal – and that’s why I haven’t been fired. I attempted to rationalize the behavior above, but since these supposed faults have been kept within the firm, there’s no way for me to get in trouble. As long as I’m bringing in cash, why would they fire me?