If you’ve been paying attention, you know that I’m headed to a significantly cozier (smaller) firm next week. Though my narrative writing has captured a large amount of my life, I’ve always wanted to do a bloggy, this-is-how-it-is post about my life in biglaw. I took the following notes a few Tuesdays ago; they epitomize my normal day.

5:00 –

Wake up, preferably in bed, but often on the couch. Take two aspirin, one multivitamin, two B12, and an Adderall if the need exists. Walk to the front of my loft and hit the “Go” button on your Keurig Special Edition Coffee Maker. Find the Wall Street Journal and Dallas Morning News carefully folded next to your door. Drink the cup of coffee while giving minimal attention to the daily happenings. Finish the cup and set it back in the coffee maker. Hit “Go” again.

5:30 –

Start the shower as you walk to the toilet; pee. Shower, shave, and brush your teeth under the water. Dry off with a towel and discard it on the floor; find a robe. Walk to the front of the loft while your hair transitions from wet to damp. Grab the prepared cup of coffee and return to the bathroom.

6:00 –

Depending on what’s planned for the day, whether you will be meeting people or not, select the appropriate product for your hair. Then disrobe and find an undershirt and boxer-briefs from the dark oak dresser in your closet. Generally, having consumed two large cups of coffee and recognizing the realities of pissing while wearing a suit, you force yourself to take another pee. Next pick a dress shirt and one of the two dozen suits from your closet. Seventy-percent of the time, wear a tie.

6:30 –

Before leaving the loft, find the day’s to-do list you force your secretary to send every night before she leaves the office and print it out. Unless you get out of the loft before 6:30, drive to the office

7:00 –

Assuming none of the egg dishes look particularly appealing, grab a fresh cup of coffee and a bagel from the platter in the break room. Walk into your office, make a note that you printed the to-do list and charge the time (an hour) to a random client. Check your personal email while running random searches through Westlaw. Make sure to switch client numbers every six to ten searches so as to not look wasteful.

9:00 –

Phone your secretary and ask for a cup of coffee. Return every email in your work inbox with extremely short responses: “Great!” – “I’m on it!” – “This is looking good.” – “No I don’t think I have time for this assignment.” As the smallest billable increment at your firm is a tenth of an hour, bill six to twelve minutes for each of the dozen emails. Wait for your secretary to deliver the coffee and then start a flash game session.

10:30 –

Read the three new emails in your box, two being lunch invitations and one being a worried partner with a rush research assignment, which is your specialty. Knock the research assignment out; type up a short memo and mail it off. Unless you’re feeling particularly lonely, ignore the two lunch invitations and make your own plans.

12:30 –

Head into uptown or the Parks for lunch, making sure to avoid any restaurant mentioned in the emails. Drink just enough to take the edge off, unless it’s Monday and bottles of wine are half-off at Daniele Osteria. Carefully watch the phone during lunch and immediately respond to any message, both to appear busy and to bill for the meal.

1:30 –

Upon returning to work, ask the secretary for a brief rundown on the two o’clock meeting that has happened nearly every day since you switched practice groups. Have her quickly organize a folder of materials and read them over as you walk to the conference room. Make small talk with the other attorneys and invite them to have “a drink or two” after work, unfortunately one will usually take you up.

2:00 –

The partner’s secretary, not the one he sleeps with, the one who does all of his work, takes the drink orders; you ask for a Fiji. As soon as the partner finishes his preliminary speech, offer a single bit of insight before anyone else can speak. Coast through the rest of the meeting.

3:00 –

Catch up on your time sheet, making sure every minute of the day has a client. Check your firm email and respond accordingly. Pick your most pressing assignment and knock out as much of it as possible.

6:30 –

Make sure your secretary has finished tomorrow’s to-do list and let her go for the day. Play flash games until the nearby partners leave their offices.

7:00 –

Call the attorney who agreed to meet for drinks and meet him in the lobby. Find a trendy place on Main and keep the conversation on work in order to bill the time. Drink as expensively as possible to make sure he understands that you ball harder than him.

8:00 –

The idiot has to go home to his family. Stop at one of the empty bars on the way home and pay the bartender to be your friend. Order whatever (s)he suggests for dinner. Flirt with any female “six-or-better” in the bar, making sure to mention that you are a successful attorney. Unless you are extremely desperate for love, take her number and leave.

10:00 –

Check your daily investments and sports bets, research and make your new bets for tomorrow. Update your Facebook status to say, “Still better than you.”

11:00 –

Take 2000 mcg of Melatonin. Turn on the HTPC in your bedroom and find an old episode of ER. Pass out before Dr. Carter seals the deal with Lucy.