Why I Am In Love With Natalie Portman: An Important Analysis 13
She is perfect. Whenever I am asked brain teasers that are supposed to make you think… ”If you could bang one celebrity, who would it be, and why?”, my answer is always the same- spoken without stutter or hesitation.
“Natalie Portman”.
Everyone has their celebrity crush I guess, but I don’t understand how people could choose anyone else. Rachel McAdams? Yeah, she’s okay. Zooey Deschanel? She’s cute I guess. They don’t hold a candle to my Natalie though.
Like many people of my generation, my first experience with her work was through Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. I was about 11 or 12 when the film came out, and am pretty sure I got a raging hard-on when I saw Ms. Padme Amidala for the first time without her weird clown makeup. Not only was she super hot, but she was only FOURTEEN and the fucking QUEEN of an entire planet. How fucking baller is that?
For the next several years, thanks to the Star Wars prequels, Natalie Portman the person and Queen Padme the character were synonymous to me. It was quite a while later when I saw her in another role.
At the time, I didn’t know it was her. Me and my buddies were just sitting around getting stoned out of our minds and watching The Professional (for those of you who haven’t seen it, go watch it, its fantastic). I remember the bong had just cycled around and we were sitting in complete silence, dazed in how high we were.
The movie had just reached a part where Matilda was scantily clad and trying to fuck Leon. She was going on and on about how a girl’s first sexual experience is so important, and how it lays the foundation for the rest of their development. The smoky silence combined with the overt 13 year old Natalie Portman sexuality to create an atmosphere of almost unbearable awkwardness.
I begin to speak, “Dude…”
But before I can get another word out, a friend cuts me off harshly “SHHHHHHH!!!!!….dont….say….anything….”
And that was that.
The movie that really catapulted Natalie up my short list however, was Garden State. Her character is so bubbly and cute that its almost impossible not to like her. She had the perfect match of girl-next-door attractiveness and extroverted likeability that it really brought her out as an actress and as fap fodder.
Shortly afterwards I saw V for Vendetta, which was a shitty movie overall, but featured a Natalie Portman that was STILL hot when she was totally bald. She is the only girl I can think of who is still just as fuckable without any hair on her head as she is with.
The biggest game changer however, was the movie Closer. One of my favorite movies of all time, Closer is a must-see film in my opinion. It not only has great acting, music and an excellent storyline, it also features Natalie Portman as a fucking stripper. AWESOME! While you don’t get to see her snatch or anything, she is scantily clad throughout a good portion of the film, and her sexual teasing really forces you to wonder how well we can play the game off camera.
Great stuff. After seeing that movie she has been my number one to fuck.
Hotel Chavalier, the short prequel to the Wes Anderson film, The Darjeeling Limited features a nude Natalie Portman (though you cant see much) engaging in some foreplay and sex talk with Jason Schwartzman. Another high-point in my love for her.
Taken together this broad is unbeatable, despite her occasional Zionist rants. Oh, and did I mention he is a Harvard grad? If any of you ever have the opportunity to meet her for some reason, don’t forget about me. Shotgun anus.
NP is in my top 5, but I give the number 1 spot to Kate Beckinsale.
Celebrity female worship is weird.
You think they have lists full of normal people?
I don’t worship celebrities, I worship the Photoshop experts that makes them beautiful.
Also, I submit this for your enjoyment:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5ef1adb57b/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis
What exactly is weird about wanting to bang ridiculously attractive & wealthy women?
I have Scarlett Johanssen at #1, but Natalie is a firm #2 on the list. Plus, she’s Jewish, about my age, and from Long Island, so I could totally talk to her about mutually shared experiences growing up.
She gave me directions in South Station during my prefrosh visit to school, and I literally bumped into twice at Harvard, she lived in my house (dorm)… she’s really really short, like a teeny little pixie.
SO PUT THAT IN YOUR FIVE-HUNDRED DOLLAR SHOES AND SMOKE IT!!
(And not gonna lie, I’m definitely going to this opening day: http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/08/natalie-portman-and-mila-kunis-doin-it)
Coming soon: Natalie Portman cast in “Wood,” a three-hour biopic about a 2″x4″. The screen writer commented that he wrote the role specifically for Portman, stating, “I wanted to write a part that would showcase Natalie’s range as an actress.”
Agreed. in conveying almost identical thoughts to some friends a few months ago, I found out that NP asked a buddy of mine for a cig. at a restaurant in Austin one time, and another friend spent an entire summer living next door to her in Israel. Weird that she seems to be so accessable. Id def. lay it down if given the chance.
V for Vendetta was fucking amazing. NO TASTE RVB.
I think its generally agreed upon that while RVB is cool and a decent writer, he’s also a major doosh. That movie kicked copious amounts of ass.
I’m so cooool. I’m gonna start a revolution!! Fuck the system!! W000!
All I heard in that movie was “hippy hippy hippy”.
Closer = Easily Top Ten favorite movie of all time.
The best movie I’ve seen in my life for accurately portraying real life relationships. Raw and brilliant. (Adventureland is second for a more lighthearted take on young love)
Plus Julia Roberts plays her IRL-self, so you can actually stomach the annoying bitch.
She is my #1…..